instantwatcher.com

Kyle Smith, New York Post

1. John Dies at the End 2013 "John Dies at the End" thinks it's "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" for dudes. But in its randomness, its vulgarity and its level of humor, it's more like the collected writings on the walls of a roadside men's room. full review
2. 360 2012 "360" gives us much in the way of international anguish, frustrated coupling and longing stares, but there's very little plausibility or genuine emotion in its egregiously contrived story of ardor gone amiss. full review
3. Act of Valor 2012 Refreshing as it is to see the military portrayed as something other than a band of neurotics and creeps, there's a reason this brand of rah-rah and bang-bang didn't outlast the age of Whitesnake and Marty McFly. full review
4. The Ambassador 2012 A stunning, funny, and vital piece of guerilla cinema. full review
5. Assassin's Bullet 2012 Corny action scenes and borderline-hilarious direction by Isaac Florentine mark the film as an obvious straight-to-video item that somehow took a wrong turn into a movie theater. full review
6. The Assault 2012 So gripping and focused that it easily bests Hollywood movies with 50 times its budget. full review
7. ATM 2012 Not much about the movie makes sense, though there are occasional schlocky thrills. full review
8. Beneath The Darkness 2012 Even Dennis Quaid's uncharacteristic hamming as a mad mortician in a small Texas town can't save this silly, scare-free horror film... full review
9. Butter 2012 At times, the Midwestern satire "Butter" is almost funny, and in its honor I almost laughed. full review
10. The Cabin in the Woods 2012 Movies that mean to deconstruct movies seem to be made solely by and for cinema vampires, those ghost-faced geeks whose pallor is rarely challenged by exposure to the sun. full review
11. Cosmopolis 2012 David Cronenberg meets Don DeLillo at last, and it's as if all the angels of heaven have come together. And said nothing. full review
12. Detachment 2012 "Detachment" quickly gets stuck in its own world-weariness. full review
13. The Do-Deca-Pentathlon 2012 A decent idea for an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond," "The Do-Deca-Pentathlon" falls short as a movie. full review
14. Fat Kid Rules the World 2012 The title character may be morbidly obese, but the jokes and story are thin in the coming-of-age dramedy "Fat Kid Rules the World." full review
15. For Ellen 2012 An empty angst-athon that proves 90 minutes of close-ups of Paul Dano looking wounded can be even less interesting than it sounds. full review
16. Friends With Kids 2012 Credit Westfeldt, who is also the writer and director, with a classic setup for farce, brightly executed. full review
17. Grassroots 2012 At first glance, "Grassroots" doesn't seem like much of an idea for a movie. Nor at second, third or fourth glance. full review
18. The Grey 2012 It may be too conventional for the art-house crowd, yet too arty for the megaplex. I prefer to call it an unusually reflective blood-and-guts saga. full review
19. Haywire 2012 'Haywire" is a wannabe, or rather a wanna-B, and that B is for "Bourne." full review
20. Kill List 2012 "Kill List" jumbles together wildly incongruous ingredients to create a dramatic mush. full review
21. Lay the Favorite 2012 Frears has a lot of fun with the bad tempers and high spirits of this crew of adrenaline junkies, and though the story falls a little flat, the script is sprinkled with dry wit. full review
22. Mirror Mirror 2012 The screenwriters of this attempt to do a hip comedic take on the legend were licked by Page 5. Why did they keep going? full review
23. Monsieur Lazhar 2012 Like a dedicated teacher, this is a film that stays with you. full review
24. Nature Calls 2012 A low-watt, low-wit comedy. full review
25. Nobody Walks 2012 [A] lackluster indie drama ... full review
26. October Baby 2012 "October Baby" may be well-intentioned, but it's as obvious and inert as a spoonful of mashed potatoes. full review
27. The Pact 2012 A tightly controlled low-budget chiller whose occasional moments of unexpected special effects are set up beautifully by long periods of suspense. full review
28. The Paperboy 2012 'The Paperboy" can't decide whether to be an unfunny sex comedy, a half-hearted detective story or a woeful race drama - so it decides to be all three ... full review
29. Price Check 2012 A hilarious Parker Posey provides her customary blast of brittle energy in "Price Check," an engaging corporate comedy. full review
30. Private Romeo 2012 Take a couple of friends to see it, and the amount you spend may exceed the amount the filmmakers did. full review
31. Red Hook Summer 2012 Spike Lee now seems to be trying to be the world's oldest student filmmaker. Take out the rookie mistakes from "Red Hook Summer," and there'd be nothing left. full review
32. Safety Not Guaranteed 2012 Connolly ... goes beyond indie cliches to understand these characters, find their humanity and make us feel for them. full review
33. Silent House 2012 Demonstrating the limits of being too clever in a genre movie, the art-house chiller "Silent House" lets the tenseness of its first act trickle away. full review
34. Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie 2012 It would be insulting to refer to "Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie" as amateurish - insulting to amateurs everywhere. full review
35. Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning 2012 An intensity of purpose and a patient, suspenseful directing style make the B-movie "Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning" superior to most of the big-budget action films I've seen lately. full review
36. Abduction 2011 Actual abduction may be preferable to the movie of the same name, but only if your kidnappers don't torture you by forcing you to watch it. full review
37. Another Happy Day 2011 If you liked Rachel Getting Married or Margot at the Wedding, you probably have good taste, so you should avoid this one. full review
38. Conan O'Brien Can't Stop 2011 It's nice to know that the son of a lawyer and a microbiologist can get into Harvard and make something of himself. full review
39. Cost of a Soul 2011 Kirkpatrick keeps stomping on the drama pedal while blowing the cliche horn, yielding scene after tired scene of predictable developments as the principals keep shoving guns into mouths and screaming obscenities. full review
40. Dirty Girl 2011 If your sensibility is pure trashy camp, don't expect anyone not to laugh when you try to be earnest. full review
41. Footloose 2011 By the time four little girls teach a dorky guy to dance to (the original) "Let's Hear It for the Boy" I was a gelatinous blob of pure affection. Bring on "Flashdance" 2.0. full review
42. A Good Old Fashioned Orgy 2011 Chlamydia, gonorrhea and Jason Sudeikis are three reasons to stay well clear of "A Good Old Fashioned Orgy," but they're not the only ones. full review
43. Gun Hill Road 2011 Tenderness and good intentions don't necessarily add up to a movie. full review
44. The Hedgehog 2011 Gentle, tender and very French, "The Hedgehog" is cinematic poetry -- too bad about that prosaic plotting. full review
45. Hugo 2011 It's as if David Copperfield wandered into a History of Film lecture. Maybe it isn't a great idea to wait till you're nearly 70 to make your first kid movie. full review
46. I Melt with You 2011 The movie captures, as well as any other, the feeling of partying into oblivion, minus the next-morning internal pitchfork stabs. Think of a wild friend you wouldn't want to emulate but can't let go of. full review
47. Into The Abyss 2011 Werner Herzog looks at the death penalty in "Into the Abyss," and as is almost always the case, to look through his eyes is to marvel. full review
48. Judy Moody and the NOT Bummer Summer 2011 "Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer" is sure to appeal to kids of all ages from 6 to 9 who are female and have no taste or sense of humor. full review
49. The Kid with a Bike 2011 A sly but finally banal update of the Italian neorealist classic "The Bicycle Thief." full review
50. Knuckle 2011 Palmer's film is brutally compelling to look at, as the lads get down to face-rearranging, but it also carries a lot of tragic historical freight. full review
51. Machine Gun Preacher 2011 An utterly bungled opportunity to show how a soul gets rebuilt through Christian faith. full review
52. Paranormal Activity 3 2011 The shtick movie "Paranormal Activity 3" is the horror equivalent of vaudeville comedy: a little patter, a little pie in the face, repeat. full review
53. Pearl Jam Twenty 2011 In a better film, Crowe would have played journalist instead of fan boy. full review
54. Revenge of the Electric Car 2011 Saying electric cars are "zero emission" is about as truthful as saying you don't have to kill a cow when you buy a hamburger. full review
55. Sarah Palin: You Betcha! 2011 Palin texted and chewed gum during meetings -- so what? full review
56. Scream 4 2011 The "Scream 4" (I refuse to write it the other way anymore) drinking game: Take a slug every time someone on-screen remarks how meta it all is. full review
57. Spork 2011 Camp often means a lack of feeling and generalized disdain; not so in "Spork," which has as much heart as "Sixteen Candles." full review
58. Stake Land 2011 Some numbers are too large to contemplate. How many drops of water are there in the ocean? How many grains of sand are there in the desert? How many more apocalyptic zombie movies must I sit through? full review
59. The Swell Season 2011 Like "Once," this film is a tender little piece of heartbreak. full review
60. Undefeated 2011 If the film had something to say about football as football instead of football as life, I'd be interested. It doesn't. full review
61. Warrior 2011 A cheap exploitation picture wrapped in miles and miles of stale would-be Oscar scenes... full review
62. And Everything Is Going Fine 2010 Spalding Gray's new film, "And Everything Is Going Fine," is 89 minutes long. What a coincidence! That's exactly 89 more minutes of Spalding Gray than I can stand. full review
63. Blood Done Sign My Name 2010 The movie punches up the kinds of scenes you've seen done better 100 other times -- church sermons, a sham trial, a Klan meeting. full review
64. Centurion 2010 Sack, pillage, repeat. Heads will roll. And bounce. And be stuck on pikes. full review
65. Client 9: The Rise and Fall of Eliot Spitzer 2010 I wonder how Gibney operated the camera while on his back. full review
66. Countdown to Zero 2010 Illustrating the many ways nuclear weapons could kill you makes Countdown to Zero one of the most frightening documentaries you'll ever see, or endure. full review
67. Exit Through The Gift Shop 2010 Banksy makes an appealing narrator with a deft grasp of the questions raised. full review
68. The Extra Man 2010 Darlings, there's nothing quite so tragique as a boring eccentric. full review
69. Happiness Runs 2010 full review
70. Henry's Crime 2010 Though the movie has some engagingly quirky moments, everything falls into place far too easily for much suspense to build, and the romance between the two leads seems as contrived as everything else. full review
71. I'm Still Here 2010 When I'm Still Here reached its climactic moment -- Joaquin Phoenix puking into a toilet -- I had never before felt quite so much like a toilet. full review
72. Knucklehead 2010 Knucklehead's candy corn heart and shameless predictability are almost touching in their obliviousness to anything that's happened in movies in recent decades. Cute orphans? Really? full review
73. A Little Help 2010 File this one in the same category of edgy Long Island comedies as the equally smart 2008 Alec Baldwin film "Lymelife." full review
74. Night Catches Us 2010 It raises tangled questions about whether it is better to live humiliated or arm yourself, yet for the most part it's dramatically inert, talky and directionless, and it ends quietly without saying much of anything. full review
75. Punching the Clown 2010 Punching the Clown is welcome proof that there remains at least one industry in which the US can compete with New Zealand: the parody folk-song business. full review
76. The Romantics 2010 With its tart dialogue and its perfect ending, it is sensitive as well as sagacious. It's a rare combination. full review
77. Rubber 2010 Picture Monty Python writ ing an unusually odd "Twilight Zone" episode directed by surrealist Luis Bunuel. Or just empty your mind of all sense: This is "Rubber." full review
78. Senna 2010 My interest in watching men drive machines in ovals is limited, and in this documentary the title character mostly comes across as an uninteresting dope. full review
79. South of the Border 2010 Marks an anti-milestone in journalism (about which Stone has plenty of complaints, specifically identifying Fox News and the New York Times). full review
80. Vidal Sassoon: The Movie 2010 A voice at the start of "Vidal Sassoon: The Movie" declares, "It's impossible to overestimate the importance of Vidal Sassoon." If so, this documentary makes the impossible look easy. full review
81. Waiting for Forever 2010 A drippy romance that makes Nicholas Sparks look like Leo Tolstoy. full review
82. The Whistleblower 2010 A pointless drama that trafficks in cliche. full review
83. White Irish Drinkers 2010 Saturated with atmosphere and strongly acted, the movie is a far more resonant and convincing portrait of working-class life than the recent awards-bait phoniness that called itself "The Fighter." full review
84. An American Affair 2009 Even Oliver Stone would giggle. full review
85. The Art Of The Steal 2009 Is it really "a tragedy" that lots more people will get to see these paintings? full review
86. Breaking Upwards 2009 Watching this movie is no more interesting than talking to any random New York couple about what makes them tick. full review
87. Creation 2009 Although the movie tenderly observes the relationship between father and daughter and has some heart-rending moments, there isn't a lot of doubt why it got made: because actors love to do crazy. full review
88. The Fourth Kind 2009 The Fourth Kind has a clever gimmick and nothing more. full review
89. The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest 2009 Expunging the clichés, coincidences, flat dialogue and dull exposition will present a challenge for director David Fincher as he begins to remake the films in Hollywood. full review
90. The Good Heart 2009 The movie begins to wear out its welcome even before a conclusion of breathtaking corniness. full review
91. The House of the Devil 2009 Although the payoff is creepy, it takes a little too long to arrive -- and when it does, it's about as worn-out as the movie's title. full review
92. Hunger 2009 Regardless of politics, one must grant McQueen's substantial gifts, which bring to mind Paul Greengrass in another Northern Ireland film, Bloody Sunday. full review
93. Inspector Bellamy 2009 Inspector Bellamy leaves a sense not unlike a summary of Chabrol's entire career -- of guilty stains seeping away in every direction, of motives hidden and of endless stories that frustrate full understanding. full review
94. Making the Boys 2009 The hopelessly dated 1968 play "The Boys in the Band" yields a surprisingly sprightly and multifaceted documentary, "Making the Boys." full review
95. The Missing Person 2009 "So you make jokes and smoke cigarettes," a lady in the murk summarizes. Yeah. Isn't that enough? full review
96. The Nature of Existence 2009 Inquiring into the reasons human beings exist, filmmaker Roger Nygard uncovers this stunner: Various people have different opinions. full review
97. Survival of the Dead 2009 I suppose it's nice that Romero has a hobby, but he couldn't be more of a bore if he were showing off his pine cone collection. full review
98. What's the Matter with Kansas? 2009 It's condescending, it's vague, it's unfair and, ultimately, it's pointless. full review
99. When You're Strange 2009 A sometimes insightful, sometimes absurdly devotional but steadily engaging film. full review
100. Wonderful World 2009 full review
101. Afterschool 2008 Though thin on story, the film shows poise and vision, using bleak cinema-realite techniques with chilling effect. Campos promises to be heard from again. full review
102. American Violet 2008 Its blaring earnestness and thin characters (all of whom practically wear badges identifying them as good or evil) fail to add nuance to a story that keeps making the same point in virtually every predictable scene. full review
103. Diminished Capacity 2008 Alda's Hawkeye Pierce charm gives way to something snappish and cagey, while Broderick's fussy stiffness is perfect. full review
104. Downloading Nancy 2008 Some suspense arises about just how far the woman's sickness will take her, but it's overwhelmed by the pointlessness of the story. full review
105. Harvard Beats Yale 29-29 2008 The movie, which absurdly tries to paint the Harvard players as a group of working stiffs -- you won't be surprised to learn it was directed by a Harvard grad -- also fails to capture the tenor of one of the most tumultuous years of the century. full review
106. Humboldt County 2008 Possibly it might be of some interest with the right amount of buzz, but then so is a passing cloud. full review
107. Management 2008 The film is a failure if it can't convince us that these two people belong together. It can't, and barely tries. full review
108. Religulous 2008 Maher isn't unfair. Simply restating religious tenets to believers amounts to ridiculing them, but so be it. full review
109. The Tale of Despereaux 2008 Somber, slow and elegant instead of frantic and dazzling. It works like a beloved fairy tale. full review
110. The Babysitters 2007 I'd call it a depressing soft-core porn flick, but that overstates its titillation factor. Mainly it's just icky. full review
111. Chris & Don: A Love Story 2007 Affecting and beautifully realized documentary. full review
112. Day Zero 2007 Proves that even the most controversial of topics can be the basis for the dullest indie films. full review
113. Descent 2007 Look-at-me-I'm-a-filmmaker photography, pacing that has all the thrills of waiting in line at the post office and an utterly predictable plot combine to make the movie even worse than the hacky chick revenge fantasy now showing on channel 186 of your box. full review
114. Eagle vs. Shark 2007 A pleasing New Zealand gloss on Napoleon Dynamite, full of geek posturing, sweet weirdness and disarmingly modest goals. full review
115. Evening 2007 This weeping ladydrama -- this cinematic doily, this chintz wing chair from a P-town antique boutique -- takes us to the oxymoronic world of WASP emotion. full review
116. Freedom Writers 2007 One teacher can make a difference in a troubled student's life. I learned this from To Sir, with Love, Dangerous Minds and Van Halen's Hot for Teacher video. full review
117. Hot Rod 2007 Started to go bad about the time someone in casting said, "You know what? I'll bet America is just about ready for the comedy stylings of Sissy Spacek." full review
118. No End in Sight 2007 Rehashes information you already knew and tries to inflate trivia into scandal. full review
119. Postal 2007 Postal strikes me as marginally superior to Morgan Spurlock's merely boneheaded Where in the World Is Osama bin Laden? But that's like saying Moe is smarter than Curly. full review
120. Save Me 2007 Sounds like a great idea for a gay porno, but the soapy Save Me actually takes itself seriously. full review
121. Shooter 2007 Though the movie has some mild pretensions to rank with great paranoia films like Three Days of the Condor, mostly it's content to deliver Salisbury steak-and-mashed-potatoes action. full review
122. Trumbo 2007 What kind of international revolutionary whines about his family being made unwelcome among the tykes of the bourgeoisie? full review
123. Bloodrayne 2006 Halfway through, the guys put Rayne through a training sequence, even though we've just seen her kick butt for 45 minutes, then there's a long, talky stretch that is woefully short of impaling - perhaps suggesting that the movie's financing was dwindling.
124. Bug 2006 Bug buzzes around in random menace for an hour until its third act, when -- zzzzzt! -- it flies straight into the zapper. full review
125. Cashback 2006 Imagine Kevin Smith with a background in poetry and painting instead of comic books and bestiality jokes, and you'll have an idea of what to expect from an exciting new filmmaker named Sean Ellis, whose terrific debut is called Cashback. full review
126. Colma: The Musical 2006 The songs sound like they were recorded on a toy synthesizer in someone's basement, and neither of the two male leads can sing. full review
127. Failure to Launch 2006 This is a guy comedy being mismarketed as a chick flick, complete with a poster that looks like a page from Lucky magazine.
128. Fay Grim 2006 Fay Grim is like watching stoners playing Risk and Clue at the same time. full review
129. The Ground Truth 2006 Those vets certainly deserve to be heard, but virtually every scene of the film tells us something we already knew.
130. Heading South 2006 A powerful cocktail of not just sex and love but race, poverty, colonialism and jealousy.
131. I'm Reed Fish 2006 The movie, which looks like it was made on the cheapest camera borrowed from the A/V club, was apparently based on the experience of its writer, Reed Fish, who should either await more interesting experiences or work up some imagination. full review
132. Jackass: Number Two 2006 Though I understand that the film is intent on being no. 1 in no. 2, it is not ever necessary to show someone making doody on camera, thanks.
133. Maxed Out 2006 All the film provides is this bulletin: Lefties are angry about the things Lefties are angry about, chiefly corporate profits. full review
134. Nacho Libre 2006 Nacho Libre, the often hilarious follow-up to Napoleon Dynamite by director Jared Hess, settles it: This is the world's funniest Mormon.
135. Sherrybaby 2006 ... a movie bursting with nothingness.
136. Slither 2006 If the horror scenes are formulaic, the audience will eat up the many jokey interludes the way the zombies feast on possum.
137. The Treatment 2006 The Treatment, a wan effort at Annie Hall-style comedy, has about as much Manhattan sophistication as a gas station in Chippewa Falls, Wis. full review
138. Unknown 2006 To kill 80 minutes, the movie has to pad itself with several dull speeches and stagy moments.
139. The Wind That Shakes the Barley 2006 Raises hard questions about Ireland's uncanny ability to kneecap itself. full review
140. Broken Flowers 2005 Audiences will laugh, mainly to prove they're awake, but the humor is pretty thin.
141. Cavite 2005 A last act full of reversals would have filled in the holes in Cavite.
142. Conversations With Other Women 2005 Having been locked up in Burton's toy chest for so long, [Bonham Carter] is all the more dazzling in this wistful two-character infidelity drama. full review
143. Factotum 2005 A seamy and funny adaptation of Charles Bukowski's 1975 novel Factotum.
144. Jarhead 2005 Do I quibble over details? Details are all the movie offers.
145. Land of the Dead 2005 Romero has given us, as well as the zombies, a lot to chew on. There is as much allegory to his tale as there is blood, and let me tell you, there's no shortage of blood.
146. Lonesome Jim 2005 One of those indie excursions to Loserville that lasts an hour and a half but feels longer than Roots.
147. Nine Lives 2005 The bad stories waste your time, and the good ones leave you unsatisfied.
148. Sahara 2005 The one-liners, mostly bland, are used so liberally that they water down the action.
149. Serenity 2005 Serenity is so like TV that it ought to come with a clicker so we can switch over to the next movie at the multiplex.
150. Stoned 2005 With its low budget, unadventurous script and notable lack of any Stones recordings it has the look and feel of a TV movie.
151. After Innocence 2004 The film cuts away from such personal stories too quickly, eager to sell us on airy, unjustified claims.
152. The Goebbels Experiment 2004 Kenneth Branagh's fierce narration of Joseph Goebbels's di aries makes The Goebbels Experiment a visceral documentary.
153. Down to the Bone 2003 ... a harrowing character study. full review